Posted 03/31/08:  I have had trouble reconciling my awareness of the abuse at one emotional level, with my logical mind.  I simply have had a hard time believing what my gut and lots of evidence was telling me.  I felt guilty for even having the thoughts.  While I thought the pain of awareness was painful, the pain of my own guilt was even more so.  It literally de-capacitated me and cost me the ability to hold a job (as sole breadwinner in my family) or to function normally for several years.  The affects were devastating on just about every level:  emotional, spiritual, financial, physical and social. 

From this background, I have had to pick myself up and move on.  In doing so, I have found better physical health than I have ever had in my life.  Compared to the way I was when only a small, unconscious part of me held the abuse, I had become a much healthier person.  Who else can say, as a 45-year-old, they are in much better health than they were at 16 or 20?   I have discovered I have a wide array of feelings and that I can appropriately express them.  I keep discovering more and more parts of my personality that were impacted by the abuse, and I’ve been able to find ways to “re-program” the way I do life.  Awareness is key!  But awareness can be painful.  I’ve learned how to hang in there until the awareness begins to work in my favor. - A. Wake      

Posted 03/28/08:  When I started having memories of my abuse, I felt like I was going insane. (I think my husband thought so, too.) Something will just set me off. Suddenly, I’m terrified and sobbing, curled up into a tight, tense ball, saying strange things. I feel like a little girl again. I’ve decided memories are kind of like emotional throw-up. I feel it stirring deep inside of me, and I don’t want to let it come out, but it churns and churns until I feel like I’ll explode or collapse if I don’t get rid of it right now. And then it comes out—hysterical sobbing, feeling terrified, asking, “Why won’t they leave me alone?” When it’s over, I’m relieved and exhausted all at once, and I feel calm again. Now that I’ve learned how to deal with them, I can handle it. I have a memory, I write it out, get all of the emotions out, get some rest, and I’m okay again. Some are worse than others and take longer to recover from. Sometimes they come often and other times I go a long time without them.

Something I’ve learned from this is that God is very kind. He will not give us more than we can handle. He gives me little pieces at a time. Once I’ve come to accept and at least partially deal with one memory, He gives me another one. We can’t be afraid of the memories. We’ve survived it once, and we can survive it again. I also believe that people will come along to help you, if you allow them. I had to open myself up to trusting someone enough to help me through it, which isn’t easy for anyone who has been abused. I know I couldn’t do it alone. I didn’t start having memories of my abuse until I was in a safe enough place to have them and I had loving people in my life to help me deal with them. I don’t think it’s simply reliving the memories that brings the healing. I think it’s reliving them with someone who loves you there beside you to comfort you, reassure you, and walk you through it.

I’m not saying it’s easy; it’s a long, difficult process. A counselor once told me that once I had a memory, I would never have to have that specific memory again. So there is hope. After I have one, I think one more down. I know there are probably several more to come, but I also know I can get through it. –Island Girl

Posted on March 27, 2008   There was one point when I was feeling a lot of anger.  I decided to write an anger list.  I would say “I am angry that...”  I worked on that list for a while and then I felt inspired to write down the blessings that were attached to them.  That was real eye-opener for me.  I also had an older sister tell me go get a kids bat at Walmart that was patted and then go whack on a tree to help release some of my anger.  So I did and it felt good to hit that tree!  Some times I would scream out my anger along with hitting the tree.  I have also hit my bed with the bat when it was day time so people didn’t see me hitting the tree and wonder if I had lot all of my marbles!!! HA HA.

Alice